Hello blog,

I'm having a panic attack rn and am unable to function properly so I decided to give myself some time in darkness and in silence.

It really sucks when you see that people are stressing over their excessive long (51 pages) of thesis and here you are on page 0. What on earth.

Times like these are the only time I think I can't handle life myself. But then again I wouldn't share such troubles with anybody because it doesn't help the situation at all.

Whenever I'm in trouble I'll start to lock myself up. Letting the cat out will only bring me more trouble because everyone'll start worrying and out of genuine concern, add on to my stress by asking how things are going on bla bla bla bla bla. And I 'll prolly continue to lie and say that things are okay. But you know they are not and lying that it's all okay only make yourself feel worse. So might as well shut up?

I have to stop bad things from happening.

Some things and some people; you just grow up and grow out of them.

I am really saddened by the fact that the only functional relationship I have at home is with my maid. And my bro when he comes home.

It scares me knowing that Cristina is no longer here to be with me in tolerating the shit my parents threw at us.

And I just saw the photo of our new maid. I felt so sorry for her because she is the next one falling into this shit hole.

Broken & I can't fix

So I came home to an empty house, Cristina is gone. I'm sad but I'm happy for her, she's finally out of our shit hole.

I know man, that our family problem is insignificant as compared to those who are fighting for their lives but it is still pretty damn devastating.

Maybe things would be simpler if I don't exist? Both of them wouldn't have to tolerate this horrible relationship for our sake. They meant good, to pretend like we are a complete family, on first look and composition wise. But in actual truth we are so so broken. In fact I am so used to this brokenness, any form of love in this family is plain unacceptable to me.

My parents are suffering, they think that they are the only ones. But you know, actually we are too. It's really difficult being stuck in the middle. We know what each of them did/sacrificecd for us. Whenever they diss each other for being irresponsible, you'll stand up for the criticised and the critising party would think that you are siding the other one, when in actual fact you are merely stating the truth that he/she didn't see.

I tried to be as fair and neutral in tone as I could, but apparently mom still thinks that I'm helping dad. And dad is just super poor thing because he is always silently taking all these shit. I am really thankful for both of them, I really am. But I just don't show it I don't intend to and I don't know how. Cristina always ask me if I feel that it is unfair that mom treats Daniel like a gem and me much less than what he is. My answer is no, because she still secretly cares about me and I know it. She hates me but she still loves me. That is why I didn't take anything to heart whenever somebody else think that there is any unfairness in her treatment. I honestly didn't feel marginalised. I really am fine with it.

Now that she wants to break our ties. I don't really feel much too. It's not like our family has any strong knitted ties to begin with. I just wonder if standing up for my father and speaking the truth is that serious for us to come to this stage. I fight for both of them whenever whoever gets attack, but they always think that I helping the other. This is the saddest part. At this point of time I really can't see what I am typing. But I am still going to go on.

I do not understand why it is so hard to have peace at home. We just need to close one eye and everything would be okay. Why does she always have to nit-pick and blow up issues? I don't understand.

Growing up in such environment I really yearn for good family ties. But then again I was never equipped with such skills. Perhaps that's why I am still single. And perhaps that is a good thing because whoever loves me would never receive the kind of love they deserve. I am not capable of loving because no one ever showed me or taught me what love is. I only know how to fend for myself and love myself. This self-centredness is what I'm best at. And I absolutely abhor this.

There are just too many incidents that sadden me and I am now pretty unfeeling and falsely optimistic. Cordon bleu tastes like water.

I am not thinking, who can I tell this to? Would anybody understand??

There are some people whom I tried so hard to please, and there are a rare few who tried hard to please me. I realised that if the two are meant to be great friends or lovers, there is no need to try.

And so I will stop trying so hard to be nice and there for people whom I will never ever be in their hearts. It is senseless to put myself through such futility when I can channel all that to those who have been there for me unconditionally. 

I am not angry, just a little sad that I do not have the ability to turn certain relationships into the way that I'd like. But that is just how it works because there are also relationships that you are in total control. People do it to you and you do it to others, this unfairness is somewhat fair.

Funny how I only see all this now. Life is all about constantly learning and seeing the truth.